Dear Nate:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been weird being back at North Prep. I feel like I don\u2019t even know anyone here anymore\u2014that I\u2019m disconnected with it all. If it weren\u2019t for Nick, I think I would ask my parents if I could go somewhere else. You may have heard that Greta transferred before the fall semester started. She originally enrolled at St. James Academy but I guess word had gotten out about what\u00a0happened with you and she had to drop out. \u00a0The last I knew she was going to public school. No one here talks about it anymore. There\u2019s new scandals, like the substitute chemistry teacher who got caught having sex with Alison Morrisey. Do you remember her? Really quiet girl? Long, curly auburn hair. Her hair was gorgeous and apparently the chem teacher couldn\u2019t keep his hands off her.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s getting prosecuted. Poor Allison claims she loves him. It\u2019s a pretty big mess. Speaking of messes,\u00a0everyone is upset with Nick and I because we ruined prom. Some girl\u2014I don\u2019t know who as she hasn\u2019t fessed up to it\u2014nominated Nick for prom king. He threatened to quit the team if anyone voted for him. There were several write ins but his threat was effective enough to see that he came in a distant third. He wanted me to go with him but I didn\u2019t feel up to it so he decided to stay home. Word got around that he wasn\u2019t going and half the team ended up at your place\u00a0which made all the folks at the dance furious.<\/p>\n
Somehow this is my\u00a0fault, of course, rather than Nick\u2019s. He tries to\u00a0solve this problem by glaring at everyone which only makes matters worse. I seriously cannot wait for school to be done. This probably sounds stupid and dumb to you as your traipsing across the jungle or\u00a0whoever you are currently but that\u2019s the boring stuff that\u2019s going on at home.<\/p>\n
Love and miss you,<\/p>\n
Charlotte<\/p>\n
Dear Nate:<\/p>\n
Is paper in such scare supply that you had to rip off the bottom of my\u00a0letter to write your little message? I don\u2019t even know if it even counts as a letter.\u00a0\u201cFuck em, keep writing\u201d<\/em>\u00a0barely exceeds the\u00a0length of your greeting. I think in the days of the telegraph people exchanged longer dispatches.\u00a0I\u2019m sending you this book of letters between John Quincy Adams and his wife Abigail so that you have a better idea of what a real letter looks like. You could send me a message over the web, you know. Even a picture. We couldSkype<\/em>\u00a0even. I know. I know. That\u2019s an irrational suggestion because in this day and age of technology where there\u2019s virtual reality eyewear on every street corner, why would we ever try something\u00a0like that out.<\/p>\n Your mom told me that when she and your dad wrote to each other they pledged only to write letters rather than send\u00a0electronic messages. At the last Sunday dinner, I asked her what they wrote about and she said the weather and that your dad complained about how hot it was. Your dad smirked and said that it was always very hot around your mom. Nick gagged and your dad playfully cuffed him. It\u2019s adorable that your parents are still so in love with each other. I want that, though. I want what your parents have and what my parents have, don\u2019t you?<\/p>\n Nick and I got in a huge fight the other day. He got a full ride scholarship to Notre Dame for football, which I\u2019m sure you already know. When I told him I hadn\u2019t even applied, he totally lost it. He\u2019d said that I ruined it.\u00a0It<\/em>\u00a0being all of his plans. I\u2019ve decided not to go to college. It\u2019s just not for me. I\u2019m barely eking by right now and it\u2019s taking everything I\u2019ve got. I don\u2019t even want to think about how horrible college would be where I\u2019d have to read a\u00a0thousand pages a night and then be able to spit it out the next day in some coherent fashion. And then there\u2019d be the students who read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky for fun! I had to look up how to spell those names by the way.<\/p>\n I\u2019m going to stick close to home. I tried to explain to Nick that even if I had applied, I wouldn\u2019t have gotten in. And did he think we would just room together? He\u2019d have to live with the football players and I\u2019d live in my tiny apartment surrounded by people smarter than me. I\u2019m tired of being around people who are all smarter than me.<\/p>\n He came around. Did he tell you we\u2019ve been playing video games together. It\u2019s good therapy for my hand\/eye coordination\u00a0according to the docs. One of these days I\u2019m going to beat his ass. If you were here, you would be impressed. I miss you. I wish you were here. Write me longer letters next time.<\/p>\n Love you,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n I\u2019m sorry I asked for longer letters. I didn\u2019t realize it was going to make you stop writing at all. I\u2019ve enclosed a full sheet of paper for you in case you\u00a0don\u2019t have any of your own. Now that Nick is gone, it\u2019s so quiet around here. Your mom and dad drive over for every home game. I\u2019ve taken to going with them because it\u2019s\u00a0like a tomb at home. I think we should get a dog or something.<\/p>\n I got a job. Dad said that I could work for him so I started as as an assistant to his assistant. He’s really disorganized. Mom says that my scatterbrained behavior comes less from the radiation and mostly from genetics. My day consists of getting up, going to his office trailer and filing. I had no idea there was so much paperwork when it came to building things. I can safely say that I\u2019ll be looking for another job soon. I\u2019ve never been so bored. Ever.<\/p>\n Nick is\u00a0loving<\/em>\u00a0college but we are both worried about you. He said he hadn\u2019t heard from you in months. And while that is disturbing, it also made me feel good because at least I know that you weren\u2019t just ignoring me. I\u2019m still waiting for you, just like I promised.<\/p>\n Miss you a thousand times more than the last letter,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n I’ve come to the conclusion that letter writing is cathartic. It\u2019s the only rational reason I keep writing despite the fact that you never respond. Did the paper I sent you get destroyed? You better not be writing\u00a0anyone else on my paper. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Actually I\u2019m not kidding. What are you doing with my paper? You certainly aren\u2019t sending it to me.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t mean to be nagging or negative, but what is going on? I feel like I\u2019m writing into the void.<\/p>\n Speaking of void, I\u2019ve been filling my time with community college. Mom said if I was bored doing filing that I should learn a trade. I\u2019m enrolled in City College downtown and I confess that I kind of love it. I\u2019m not sure what I want to do so I\u2019m taking a bunch of weird courses,\u00a0trying a little of everything. I took a welding course which was pretty neat. This one guy, Paul, like an artist. His welds are so perfect \u00a0and hardly need any grinding which is like sanding with the metal disc. He helped me with my own poor technique.<\/p>\n We got to go to a job site and Paul stuck with me the entire time, making sure no one tried anything\u00a0funny and helping me perfect my welds. I told him that I wasn\u2019t interested in welding as a career, but it fit him perfectly. I introduced him to Dad to see if there were any jobs for Paul after he was done with his apprenticeship and classes.<\/p>\n I think you\u2019d like Paul. He\u2019s a straight up, no bullshit kind of guy. I asked him what it meant when a guy told you he loved you, promised to love you forever, and then took off without ever saying goodbye. Paul said that the guy wasn\u2019t interested any longer and\u00a0didn\u2019t know how to tell me. Or was a coward. But I know you\u00a0aren\u2019t a coward. You\u2019re fearless. He doesn\u2019t know you like I do.<\/p>\n More likely you are busy, doing something dangerous and you just can\u2019t write back. Right? I can\u2019t even\u00a0begin to tell you how much I miss you.<\/p>\n Write back. Please.<\/p>\n Love your loneliest girl,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n OMG really? You can\u2019t write me one letter in return but you sic poor Nick on me? He came driving down from Notre Dame in one day because he had to check out some asshole named Paul. I cannot believe you. Seriously. Paul is married with two kids and a gorgeous wife. He\u2019s\u00a0also like ten years older than me.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not even in welding anymore. I told you that I was trying out a bunch of different classes. Just FYI, I\u2019m taking floral\u00a0design and my instructor Neil is fucking amazing.<\/p>\n Love,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n PS Don\u2019t you dare send Nick again. He\u2019s not your errand boy.<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry?\u201d That\u2019s all you\u2019re going to write? I don\u2019t even know what you are sorry about. Sorry that you don\u2019t write to me? Sorry that you can\u2019t bring yourself to break it off? Sorry that I\u2019m too dumb and too stubborn to give up on us?<\/p>\n I was out with my co workers from the vet shop and my supervisor, Emma, kept asking me why I never dated anyone. I guess I had too many beers because I\u00a0spilled the whole story about us. About how we grew up together and that after I was diagnosed with the tumor, you told me that you loved me. You made me promise that it would always be\u00a0\u201conly you.\u201d<\/p>\n Emma said that I was a fool and I was wasting the best years of my life. You will be happy to know the other girls at the table said if a Navy SEAL really could hold his breath for like ten minutes straight, I should at least give you one chance to make me see heaven before I got shot of you for good.\u00a0There are so many people that keep telling me that I\u2019m too dumb for words to be spending my evenings writing letters to you\u00a0when I get nothing in return.<\/p>\n I\u2019d like to say that they don\u2019t know you like I know you but honestly? I don\u2019t know if I do know you anymore. It\u2019s been\u00a0years, Nate, and in all that time, I\u2019ve received a handful of responses from you. I still love you but I need you. I need you to tell me you love me too.<\/p>\n Love,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n I\u2019m sorry I was so pissy in my last few letters. I don\u2019t know what came over me. Please forgive me. I just miss you so so much.<\/p>\n Love you,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n Dear Nate:<\/p>\n I think this is going to be my last letter to you. I can\u2019t take it any more. The years of your absence is literally killing my heart. I feel myself being diminished every day. I kept hoping, thinking that if I just gave you time, you\u2019d come back to me like you promised.\u00a0\u201cIt will always be Nathan and Charlotte,\u201d you told me once. I held on to that for years now but as each week, month, year has passed, I\u2019ve come to the conclusion that I\u2019m the only one that still believes in that concept anymore.<\/p>\n These things on my letter\u00a0aren\u2019t tears. They are splotches made by this soda can\u00a0\u2014 oh what the hell. Of course they are my tears. I\u2019ve shed what seems like a million of them. Seeing you at the rare holiday and never being able to touch you. Hardly ever getting a response from you despite the fact that I\u2019ve written my damn hand off. All of those things eat away at me as if tiny insects are nibbling at my skin, sucking my blood until one day I wake up a hollow shell.<\/p>\n And I don\u2019t get it. I see\u00a0the longing in your eyes. I know that look because I see it every day in my mirror but you keep rejecting me, pushing me away. I can\u2019t take it any longer. When I had to have my shunt replaced, I know that was you in the room. I felt you. You were gone when I woke up but I didn\u2019t need to ask my parents or yours who it was that sat with me through the night. I SMELLED YOU even in my sleep. Yet why you left? Why you never even spoke to me once? Why I haven\u2019t felt the touch of your hand or the\u00a0press of your lips against me? I don\u2019t have the answers to these questions and they haunt me. You, our love, our past, is haunting me.<\/p>\n My friends say that it’s completely\u00a0unhealthy for me to be hung up on you. I think even Nick has given up hope that you\u2019ll ever come around. He\u2019s not even apologizing or explaining things away anymore. Like\u00a0Nate\u2019s on a mission<\/em>\u00a0or\u00a0he talks about you all the time<\/em>\u00a0or\u00a0just give him space<\/em>.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve waited so long for you. And for what? To be given what reward? To turn twenty two and not have you around? It\u2019s been six years! Six. I\u2019m so dried up I don\u2019t even remember what it is to interact with other guys. I\u2019ve turned away men in the prime of my dating life because I believed in your words “It will always be Nathan and Charlotte.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m just done, Nate. Done.<\/p>\n I love you. I will always love you but for my sake and probably for yours too, I have got to move on.<\/p>\n Yours,<\/p>\n Charlotte<\/p>\n She signed it\u00a0\u201cyours\u201d not\u00a0\u201clove\u201d. For the first time in six years, Charlotte had ended a letter to me without expressing her love. It\u2019s been three years since I received this letter. The paper is crumpled from my reflexive anger when I first received it. It was\u00a0anger directed at myself. But it’s also worn due to the many times I’ve read it and re-read it. I know it by heart. I know all her letters by heart. I’ve written her back a thousand times in my head but only a few words have ever made it to the page. I couldn’t describe to her what I felt like in those early days. How much I hated myself. Greta. Women. Everything.<\/p>\n I trace the splotches, her tears, like a morbid tic tac toe. I\u2019ve started so many letters to her and wanted to kiss her so many times. It was torture to see her and not touch her. As she grew older and more\u00a0beautiful, each visit home was more painful than the torture they did in Special Forces to prepare us for capture. So I went home less and less until I just stopped\u00a0visiting altogether.<\/p>\n I stayed away telling myself it was better for her to find someone else. That she’d be happier. That the whole “Nathan and Charlotte” thing was a child’s dream. I thought that over time, she’d give up but she never did. She held on so long and the longer she held on, the more amazing she showed herself to be, the more I realized I didn’t deserve her no matter how much I wanted her.<\/p>\n It’s been almost two years since I last saw her in person. Mom and Dad and Nick have learned that if they want to see me, they come to me because I can’t go back to Chicago. By mutual agreement, no one brings up Charlotte anymore. It’s too painful for all of us.<\/p>\n I pull up her profile on my phone. It\u2019s still the first entry. Every new phone I\u2019ve ever gotten, I\u2019ve punched in her number first and added her picture. I\u2019ve got recent ones that Nick furtively sends me. They are still good friends, maybe even best friends, but Charlotte would be so angry if she knew that 99% of the pictures of Nick took of the two of them are for my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s the hottie,\u00a0Sergeant?\u201d<\/p>\n Some new lance corporal peers over my shoulder at Charlotte\u2019s smiling face. I turn the phone screen face down and give him a glare that has new seamen crying in their boots.<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t even look at her. He\u2019ll kick your ass,\u201d calls Howe. He\u2019s a teammate of mine. I can\u2019t wait until we get off this fucking ship. Most of the time we fly in and out of these carriers but right now we\u2019re cooling our heels, waiting on orders to see whether we\u2019ll be going in to rescue some rich guy and his wife who were kidnapped in the Mediterranean.<\/p>\n “She looks like she\u2019s worth an ass kicking or five.\u201d<\/p>\n “Move the fuck along,\u201d I bark.<\/p>\n The lance corporal hesitates but when I start to rise from my seat, he scuttles off.<\/p>\n I shouldn’t call her but I can’t help it. Not after the last mission. Not after spending another evening reading through all of her letters. I have a lot of sorries to say, a lot of fences to mend. I have a lot to make up for but after spending nine years running, I’m ready finally ready to face her and tell her that I still believe in Nathan and Charlotte.<\/p>\n With a deep breath, I press send and the phone rings once, then twice.<\/p>\n \u201cHello?\u201d A man\u2019s voice, a sleepy man\u2019s voice is answering Charlotte\u2019s phone in the middle of the fucking day.<\/p>\n “Is Charlotte there?\u201d I bite out.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a rustling and then the sleepy voice says, “Charlie, someone\u2019s on the phone for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Charlie?<\/em>\u00a0This guy, who\u2019s sleeping close to her phone has a fucking nickname for her? It takes superhuman effort not to crush the phone in my hand.<\/p>\n \u201cWho\u2019s it?\u201d I\u2019d recognize her voice in hell. I feel like I\u2019m already headed there.<\/p>\n \u201cDunno?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh my god, is it two? I need to go. Where\u2019s my shirt? Reese? Don’t go back to sleep. Help me find my shirt!”<\/p>\n The phone lay forgotten on the \u2026bed? Bile rises in my throat.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t go without my shirt. Get out of bed, you bum, and help me find it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHere it is. It was under the bed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI must have tossed it there last night.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan you do up my skirt in the back? I can never get that hook. I think my hands are broken from all the rubbing you made me do last night.\u201d<\/p>\n I hang up before I can hear another word. Dropping the phone to the table, I take deep, gulping breaths to corral my burgeoning rage but concentrated breathing isn\u2019t doing a thing for me. With a roar, I shoot to my feet and grab the side of my table and with one heave, flip it over. Plates go flying and the guys on the other side look at me shocked and pissed off, but I don\u2019t give a goddamned. I start throwing around chairs, benches, anything I can get my hands on. People are shouting and running but I\u2019m in full Hulk mode now. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. Four hands grab at me, two\u00a0at each arm and they drag me backward out of the room. It\u2019s Howe and another teammate, Cabby.<\/p>\n \u201cWhoever she is, she\u2019s not worth it,\u201d Howe says as we clear the door. They drag me all the way to head and shove me into the shower. I get in a punch on one of them before the cold water hits my head and the shock of it snaps me out of my rage fueled mania.<\/p>\n \u201cNot worth it.\u201d Howe repeats.<\/p>\n \u201cNo pussy ever is,\u201d Cabby agrees.<\/p>\n As the water drips down my face into the tiny drain, I lean back against the hard metal wall. Regret swarms me like locust and I stare at the two of them who look back at me with concern and disbelief. Rubbing that left area of my chest where my heart once resided, I told them the shitty truth. \u201cShe was and I fucked it up.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Nate: It\u2019s been weird being back at North Prep. I feel like I don\u2019t even know anyone here anymore\u2014that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2475,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-charlotte-chronicles","charlotte-chronicles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/964","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=964"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/964\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2475"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=964"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=964"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=964"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}