{"id":922,"date":"2014-06-26T23:57:41","date_gmt":"2014-06-26T23:57:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jenfrederick.com\/?p=922"},"modified":"2014-06-26T23:57:41","modified_gmt":"2014-06-26T23:57:41","slug":"charlotte-xxxiv","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/charlotte-xxxiv\/","title":{"rendered":"Charlotte XXXIV"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"quote2\"<\/a>Have you met Mr. Kerr yet? Losing Control, (Book 1in the Kerr Chronicles), is available now for the introductory price of $2.99.<\/p>\n

Amazon Kindle US ~ http:\/\/amzn.to\/1kTqkrj<\/a>
\nApple: http:\/\/bit.ly\/1oZCHRM<\/a>
\nBarnes & Noble Nook: http:\/\/bit.ly\/1pxGRny<\/a>
\nKobo: http:\/\/bit.ly\/1ibBbgA<\/a>
\nSmashwords: http:\/\/bit.ly\/1pTIGZV<\/a>
\nAMZN UK: http:\/\/amzn.to\/1lhOeYC<\/a>
\nPAPERBACK (shipped from Amazon) ~ http:\/\/amzn.to\/1i2Kvn6<\/a><\/p>\n

If you have read it, a review at any of your favorite retailers would be greatly appreciated.<\/p>\n

Nathan<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nod, refusing to look up. Dad exhales heavily. He\u2019s frustrated with me and casts a beseeching expression of help toward my mother. He wants me to say it out loud but my mouth is sealed shut. I\u2019m afraid of what will come out if I open it. But she\u2019s not going to convince me to change my mind. The sadness and fucking pity on her face is the exact reason I\u2019m sure of my decision.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to miss Switzerland.\u201d He makes a last ditch effort to change my mind. What he doesn\u2019t get is that he\u2019s barking up the wrong tree, chasing the wrong ball, whatever wrong metaphor there is, he\u2019s doing it.<\/p>\n

Charlotte.<\/p>\n

There. I\u2019ve said her name. Acknowledged her existence. The piercing agony that slices through me as the vowels and consonants reverberate through my head is less this time than the last. I\u2019ll keep saying it until I can\u2019t feel anything any longer. Not pain, humiliation, shame, over even\u2026love. I just want to stop feeling.<\/p>\n

Because if I went to Switzerland and the first thing I see on Charlotte\u2019s face is the expression my mom is currently wearing I\u2019d\u2026well, it wouldn\u2019t be good.<\/p>\n

We sit there in silence, waiting. I\u2019m waiting to be dismissed. Dad\u2019s waiting me to say something, anything. I\u2019m hollow inside. I retched out every ounce of liquid in me earlier today when I woke up nearly bare assed in my bed with only gauge memories of what happened the night before.<\/p>\n

I dry heaved for half an hour after Nick anxiously recited how he found me in a room on the third floor of Juliette\u2019s house starring in my very own personal porno.<\/p>\n

After I kicked Nick out, I sat in shock and horror watching the video while texts from Charlotte came in, first cheerful and then worried. After my continued silence came the calls and the unlistened to voicemails.<\/p>\n

The sounds echoed in the bathroom and I turned the volume off to shut out the barf inducing fake porno sighs from the two girls in the video. One of the girls I hadn\u2019t ever seen before. She\u2019s kissing me or at least her face is on top of mine. I look dead. My mouth was slack and my eyes were closed.\u00a0Greta was grinding on top of me.\u00a0It looks like they were fucking a corpse. Nick swears we weren\u2019t fucking. That it was all for show. \u00a0I don\u2019t even care at this point. What I know is that someone took something precious from me. Charlotte\u2019s trust.<\/p>\n

What could I say to her? No matter how many times everyone said it wasn\u2019t my fault, I knew that wasn\u2019t true. I could have made different choices. Like staying home and not going to Juliette\u2019s. Or walking away when the fuckhead challenged me. Or paying more attention to Nick\u2019s warnings about Greta.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not at fault,\u201d Dad says gently as if he can read my mind. Maybe he can. And if that\u2019s true it\u2019s just another reason to get away. I don\u2019t want to be here where everyone knows me and can tell every little thing I\u2019m thinking. Where everyone looks at me with pity.\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re the victim.\u201d<\/p>\n

I fucking hate that word. I\u2019m over six feet tall. Over two hundred pounds.\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m no victim,\u201d I bite out.<\/p>\n

Mom sucks back a sob which tears at me. I\u00a0should have protected all of us. That\u2019s my job. But I let everyone down and now I\u2019m weak and used up. Worse, the guys at school are acting as if\u00a0I\u2019m some kind of fucking hero. The texts they\u2019d sent? All congratulatory with a whiff of jealousy. No, no one would believe that I\u2019d been done wrong, no matter that I was drugged. No matter\u00a0that I didn\u2019t want it.<\/p>\n

Man, you got some at JW\u2019s. Major props.<\/em><\/p>\n

We\u2019re not worthy!<\/em><\/p>\n

Shit man. 2 at 1 time. Your getting your bucket list done.<\/em><\/p>\n

Charlotte would have made me text back\u00a0It\u2019s you\u2019re you dumbass.<\/em>\u00a0I didn\u2019t\u00a0respond to any of them.<\/p>\n

No one is going to\u00a0believe that I had been forced to do something against my will. No one would\u00a0believe I was\u2026I can\u2019t even say the word in my own head.<\/p>\n

Dad sighs again.\u00a0\u201cOkay, hoss. You\u2019re going to have to come to your own conclusions. But let me repeat my words. You didn\u2019t do anything wrong. Not by going to the party. Not by fighting some asshole. Not by drinking. No one deserves what happened to you. Not a female and not a male. With time, you\u2019ll come to that realization too. I called Gray. He\u2019s expecting you at the beach house where you\u2019ll spend time with Sam and him and the kids.\u201d<\/p>\n

I open my mouth to protest, but Dad shakes his head. He\u2019s talking.\u00a0\u201cOnly for a week. No arguments or you don\u2019t get to go there.\u201d<\/p>\n

I sit back in my chair. It\u2019s a compromise I can live with.\u00a0\u201cWe done?\u201d<\/p>\n

At his nod, I rise and walk toward the door. As I\u2019m leaving, he says,\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m proud of you. Proud that you\u2019re my eldest. You\u2019re a good boy, Nathan, and you\u2019ll be a good man. Don\u2019t listen to the rest of the shit\u00a0that\u2019s\u00a0swirling around your head. We love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

He draws my stiff body into a hug and I\u2019m tempted to lean into him like I\u2019m a child again, but right now, I don’t deserve it. Mom is next.\u00a0\u201cYou think you see pity in my eyes, but it\u2019s not. It\u2019s anger. You can be angry too. You have the right to be angry about what happened but don\u2019t\u00a0hold that inside you. Let it out. We love you so much honey.\u201d<\/p>\n

I squeeze her back because shit, I can\u2019t help it. She\u2019s my mom. But the hug is all I can give.<\/p>\n

Nick comes in while I\u2019m packing.\u00a0\u201cCharlotte texted me. Said she was having problems connecting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Unspoken is the question of when I\u2019m going to call her.\u00a0\u201cYeah, I just\u2026\u201d I run a hand through my hair.\u00a0\u201cYou gotta take care of her now, Nick.\u201d<\/p>\n

His return gaze is somber and he allows me to leave without another word.<\/p>\n

***<\/div>\n

Dear Nate<\/em>,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry you weren\u2019t here for the birthday party. We had ice cream cake and the restaurant served limoncello which Dad encouraged me to drink. It was so awful! I hated it and everyone at the table laughed including our waiter who brought it. Dad says that all liquor is that awful and I should stay away. It\u2019s like he thinks I\u2019ve never snuck sips of his brandy with you. \ud83d\ude09<\/em><\/p>\n

Your mom gave me a writing set which is why you are getting this handwritten letter. It\u2019s beautiful paper isn\u2019t it? I already ruined about ten pages trying to write in a straight line. How do people write\u00a0without lines? This time I\u2019m using a ruler and it\u2019s working out better.<\/em><\/p>\n

Anyway, she said that your dad and her used to write letters when he was in the Marines. Isn\u2019t that cool? I had no idea. I can\u2019t see your dad\u00a0writing love letters. He gave me a weird look the other day asking if he had some leftover dinner on his nose which he didn\u2019t. But I couldn\u2019t stop staring at him because you know he\u00a0seems so imposing and well, a little uptight at times. Don\u2019t get me wrong. I totally adore Uncle Noah but Daddy is so much more easy going and I could totally see\u00a0him writing my mom corny love letters. When I asked Daddy if he wrote to Mom, he said no. That he couldn\u2019t bear to be\u00a0away from her long enough to write a letter. That and he didn\u2019t know Mom while he was in the military.<\/em><\/p>\n

Your dad told me that you were joining up, though,\u00a0because you wanted to be a Navy SEAL which seems both awesome and dangerous at the same time. I wish you would have told me but I guess I understand why you\u00a0didn\u2019t. I probably would have begged you not to go and because I was sick or whatever, you might have changed your plans. I didn\u2019t realize what a selfish girl I\u2019ve been! It\u2019s so easy to get caught up in my own problems like the stupid things about losing your hair or your eyebrows! Who needs eyebrows???!! No one, right. They are like\u2026the\u00a0appendix. Unnecessary things. My new resolution in life is to stop\u00a0worrying about stupid things. I\u2019m going to save my energy and worry about big things like\u2026when am I going to see you again. I miss you so much.<\/em><\/p>\n

Is that selfish of me to say that? I hope not. Because I tried not to say it but it spilled out here at the end and now that I\u2019m almost done, I don\u2019t have the will to try to write another version tonight. I know that I\u2019ll just end up saying the same thing. I can\u2019t keep it inside.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I love you and miss you but I\u2019m\u00a0trying to understand that our lives are both changing and that you just need a little space. I get that. Okay, I don\u2019t really get that but I\u2019m trying to. I\u2019m including a picture that Colin took of the family. I should be going home in three months.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I hope you\u2019ll be home then. Your Dad wasn\u2019t sure of your schedule. Let me know, though, so I can keep sending you this letters. Wow, this pen is really awesome. Your mom picks out great stuff. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Love and miss you a thousand times.<\/em><\/p>\n

Charlotte<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you met Mr. Kerr yet? Losing Control, (Book 1in the Kerr Chronicles), is available now for the introductory price…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2475,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-922","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-charlotte-chronicles","charlotte-chronicles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/922","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=922"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/922\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2475"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=922"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=922"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jenfrederick.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=922"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}